Boy or girl? Pink or blue? Penis or vagina? Imagine a newborn is on the way and a party is being thrown to celebrate this big milestone. Most of us have probably seen videos of joy on the faces of those celebrating this occasion. Maybe we’ve been to a celebration like this on our own, or even had one thrown for us, but what we don’t see are the casualties of some of these extravagant gender reveal parties and what gets left behind.
Gender reveal parties are a common practice that many couples do to celebrate their expected child. But a time that is meant to be celebrated for some could have horrible repercussions for others. Matt Bernstein (he/they) with the Instagram handle @mattxiv who identifies as a “queer Jew with very long nails” in their Instagram bio recently posted about the horrible effects that over the top gender reveal parties could cause and brings into question the need for this practice that informs others of an unborn baby’s genitalia.
Matt Bernstein’s Instagram post about gender reveals
This Instagram post has pictures, videos, and captions that all show how something as common as a gender reveal party is actually very absurd. It starts by saying that “society has progressed past the need for gender reveals” which sets us up for the rest of the post that then shows a gender reveal party where a couple puts blue dye in the water and celebrates that their expected child has a penis.
But this isn’t all that this couple and their loves ones are celebrating. They are also celebrating the fact that they are assigning a gender to their child based on the child’s genitalia and all the gender norms that go with the idea of being a boy with one of them being the color blue when the color blue doesn’t innately have a gender. These parents already made an important decision for their baby who can’t even talk yet. The gender these parents are assigning to their unborn child shapes the way this child will grow up from what they wear to how they act. Gender isn’t something that should be assigned, but instead chosen by each individual.
Matt Bernstein’s Instagram post about a couple that polluted a water source for a gender reveal party. Source of this story is the Washington Post.
The couple shown in the Instagram post above are just one of the many couples who decide to celebrate their child with a gender reveal party. The blue dye shown in the waterfall at this couple’s gender reveal party contaminates a primary drought-stricken water source in Brazil for the town of Tangará da Serra (Paúl, Washington Post). Water is a human necessity and this couple’s celebration has taken that away from many locals in the area. This moment of celebration created a human rights issue.
Matt Bernstein’s Instagram post about extreme gender reveals
But this isn’t the only sad gender reveal story. Bernstein goes on by noting other gender reveal story headlines including, “2 dead after plane crashes during gender-reveal stunt in Mexico” (Deliso, ABC News Network) and “Gender reveal party couple face jail over deadly California wildfire” (BBC News). We now see that these extreme gender reveals that happen annually “have caused wildfires, plane crashes, and numerous deaths” (Bernstein). Gender reveal parties are widely celebrated and it’s a big issue not only for the extreme ones where someone has to figure out where to get their water, die, or go to jail; but also innately because these gender reveals are assigning gender to babies who can’t talk.
Matt Bernstein’s gender reveal analogy Instagram post
After posting about situations where gender reveals have gone wrong, Bernstein tries to put the idea of gender reveals in a way people might understand. A clip from the cartoon SpongeBob SquarePants shows SpongBob tripping over a rock while carrying a pie that gets thrown onto Squidward’s face and blows up all of Bikini Bottom which is the town they live in. The analogy of SpongeBob SquarePants shows that something as seemingly harmless like a pie could cause so much damage to the surrounding town. This is just like those who do gender reveals without thinking about the consequences. Those who throw this party are only thinking about the fun everyone is having for a moment and not the long term harm.
Matt Bernstein’s Instagram post about gender reveals
The post is then ended with the caption “if you feel compelled to tell everyone about the genitalia of your infant, just send out an email.” Bernstein once again shows how absurd this practice of gender reveals are by mentioning sending out an email that tells people of the unborn baby’s genitalia.
Gender reveals are all based on genitalia. If a baby has both genitalia from the two different binaries, a parent may choose to pick one over the other so that it fits one of the two binaries. This could hurt the child in the long run who may have wanted the other genitalia that their parents didn’t choose for them and removed.
After analyzing this post, some questions need to be asked. Why is it called a gender reveal when what is actually being revealed is the sex of the child and not the socially constructed ideas of gender? Why aren’t there other genders being revealed and what colors would they be? Why are there no other colors besides these two? How are colors gendered? Why can’t we as a society say bye bye to the binary? There are no new genders being “revealed”, just the same two. It should be called a sex reveal instead! The people who do these “gender” reveals probably don’t know the difference between the two. Education about these topics are important and have been increasing slowly over the years, but more needs to be done. Gender reveals are so ingrained into society that these “gender celebrations” probably won’t stop anytime soon. How many casualties will it take to stop this practice?
Sources
Paúl, María Luisa. “They Dyed a Waterfall for a Gender Reveal. an Investigation Followed.” The Washington Post, WP Company, 30 Sept. 2022, https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2022/09/30/gender-reveal-waterfall-brazil-dyed/.
Deliso, Meredith. “2 Dead after Plane Crashes during Gender-Reveal Stunt in Mexico.” ABC News, ABC News Network, 1 Apr. 2021, https://abcnews.go.com/International/dead-plane-crashes-gender-reveal-stunt-mexico/story?id=76824951.
“Gender Reveal Party Couple Face Jail over Deadly California Wildfire.” BBC News, BBC, 21 July 2021, https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-57898993.
I agree that gender reveal parties have gotten excessive, but do you think it is harmful for parents to have a small scale gender reveal party that entails cutting into a cake or popping a balloon to reveal the color linked to the sex of the child? I am of the opinion that once society is advanced enough, gender will become obsolete, but until then, does it do that much harm to dress your one year old girl up in a princess costume or to cut your baby boy’s hair short? Given that so many people are comfortable with their roles in the binary, is it worth trying to stay neutral about a baby’s gender until they are old enough to express otherwise, or should one proceed to indulge in certain aspects of the binary (like hair accessories for little girls or outfits with trucks for little boys) while keeping an open mind about potential changes a child might want to make to their gender expression? Should one consider the genitalia of their baby at all when making decisions about innocent things like clothes? Should we all be raised genderless? Should we be raised with aspects of both gender expressions of the binary?
Additionally, while I think all colors are for all people, I do not see a problem with using pink to indicate a baby girl and blue to indicate a baby boy. Colors symbolize all sorts of things to different people. Red means stop and green means go. These correlations may change over time, but while they are socially relevant, is there harm in using them to signal certain things as long as they are not discriminatory?
When I was still on TikTok, I followed a couple and they were expecting a baby. I really liked when they shared that the baby’s gender is gonna be … and then added (until said otherwise). I believe it both included the fun that a gender reveal party can be while also taking into consideration that the baby’s gender is not necessarily going to stay the same forever (and that’s okay!). I also took a class last semester that talked about gendered communication in society and how harmful it can be. Children should be able to make a choice because assigning them a specific gender in most cases is connected to being treated a certain way when they are older. For example, girls will be told they are very pretty while boys will be praised for being strong. Additionally, it is very much connected to what toys they will be given for Christmas or their birthdays (dolls vs. dinosaurs) and what behaviors are acceptable. Gender reveal parties, although can be fun, can also do a lot of gendered harm later in the kid’s life. I believe the part girl or boy until said otherwise is a very important note to make, making gender reveal both fun and inclusive.
I think even shifting the language from gender reveal to sex reveal would, which seems like a small solution, would be effective in combatting some of the issues you discuss. Going off of what you said, enforcing gender norms on children from the moment of birth can be very limiting. That said, the questions Laura Lillian raises in the comment above are important to consider. While this is probably due to the ways in which I was raised, I believe that it would be very hard to be raised genderless. As of right now, society is most definitely not in a place where this is possible. Could it be in the future? Maybe. But I just don’t envisioning that happening. Maybe another question to consider is if we cannot eliminate the gender binary, what can we do to make it more inclusive?
I completely agree with what you’re saying. Celebrating the upcoming birth of a child is one thing, but forcing an identity onto a child does seem right. Also, as you said, the scale at which people are doing these parties is harmful. Not only does it have serious environmental repercussions, it also has significant social ones too. It puts a lot of pressure on the child to identify with the gender that is associated with their given genitalia. I wonder if gender reveal parties will change or become something that is no longer socially acceptable.
As folks above have said, it’s such a tricky line to walk. It’s undeniable that gender reveals like the ones cited here are excessive, and forcing a specific gender identity onto a child is harmful. However, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for parents to want to add some excitement and surprise to finding out their child’s sex. I agree that “sex reveal” would be more appropriate terminology. Also, it’s certainly possible, but I think that raising a child completely genderless would be so difficult in the current day and age. I like what one comment mentioned above: for there to be a gender reveal but add “until said otherwise.” That way the child still has control over what they want their gender expression to be later in life.