After first hearing of the activity, I was excited and immediately wanted to partake in it. I love a challenge and love to uncover my true relationship with my body. I actually do not use that many products, especially with my hair products because they don’t work for my hair type anyway. I only usually wear deodorant and sparkly eyeshadow and eyeliner. I don’t usually wear foundation because I like the way my freckles look. However, at times I use foundation to conceal acne, which I still have shame over. I wear eyeshadow because I think of my outfits and makeup as art, and I take a lot of pride in that. At the same time, I feel like I also am considered more “beautiful” when I wear makeup and feel more comfortable around others. I also feel like I have to use deodorant because I am afraid of people thinking I smell bad. 

For the 4 days I partook in the challenge, I went without all products. Overall I had a very positive experience because I felt in control and aware of how I am conditioned to gender myself. I especially felt proud about not not wearing deodorant because I was no longer inhibiting my body’s natural processes. The first day I actually did not think that I smelled bad. In fact, I actually like my natural scent; it is comforting to me. I felt more self-conscious about not wearing makeup at times because I considered myself to appear less femme and “pretty.” But, I still have fear around both, since the common assumption is that if you don’t use deodorant you aren’t as sanitary, clean, or concerned about your health. I felt constant fear that people could smell me, yet I tried to fight that instinct as much as possible. My friends did comment on how I smelled, but I didn’t let it get to me because they were just trying to protect me from other peoples’ negative perceptions of any body odor that doesn’t smell like roses. 

No one commented on how I looked. This was different for me because usually I get waves of compliments when I wear makeup, femme accessories, and femme hairstyles. Less related to products but in regards to clothing, I also found that whenever I wear a dress and contacts people always tell me I look “cute.” However, in my glasses, pants, and pulled back hair, I just look “okay” to my friends and acquaintances. I am still trying to discover the balance between adequate grooming and “self-care” and not caring about appeasing gendered expectations of beauty. While I will be interning in DC over the summer, I fear I will have to appear “polished,” feminine, and conservative in order to keep my job, especially since I will be working in a governmental office. Unfortunately in politics, a lot of attention is given toward women’s appearance and I will have to navigate upholding my personal values with caution.     

Through the challenge I realized that I still have a lot of shame around my body odor, body hair, acne, and face without makeup, but I also feel proud of my ability to analyze my own unconscious perceptions of beauty and femininity. I hope to continue on this path and create a routine that fits my needs and desires without upholding harmful gender and health stereotypes.