Stacey Waite, a poet and Associate Professor of English at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, is known for her poetry exploring the intersections of gender, sexuality, and relationships. Waite’s Dear Gender event elaborated on this exploration, allowing some audience members to feel heard and others to comprehend the perspectives of those who defy the gender binary.
As discussed in our class, gender begins at birth—sometimes even pre-birth. Gender reveals have become increasingly popular as finding out the sex of the baby becomes a milestone that many look forward to when pregnant. Professionals have begun to cite that parents only reinforce the idea of a “gendered world” in the gender stereotypes reinforced through toys, play, and the environment.
Stacey Waite takes a new perspective on all of this, questioning what happens when instead of getting rid of gender, we take gender less seriously.
While it is hard for me, as a cis-woman, to connect to the struggles gender non-confirming individuals face in a world designed for the binary, Waite’s helped to establish this connection. Waite noted that everyone, even cis-gendered individuals, has stories of gender. Immediately, I remembered something that happened to me in 5th grade. I was at aftercare sitting cross-legged at my desk when the person leading it, a male, gave me a note: “You can’t sit like that as a girl. You have to cross your legs.” I quickly got up from my desk and threw the note away before returning to my desk and sitting “like a lady.” I was mortified. I immediately questioned myself. “Why was he watching the way I was sitting? Was he looking up my skirt? I was wearing shorts under anyways. What had I done wrong?” Fifth-grade me knew what he did was weird, but I respected him because he was in a position of authority. However, I was too young to recognize that this was just one of the many ways society reinforces gender norms.
As a cis-woman, I am in a position of power. Still, gender is forced on me in numerous ways; this is something nearly all of us experience daily. While Waite’s poems were moving—and very much needed in today’s world—I took more away from Waite’s conversation about gender. As Waite established, individuals must identify the systems of privilege they are in and use that for change. Simply reflecting on some of my experiences, as sparked by Waites, only amplified the importance of doing such.
As a cis-woman, I relate to your story about “sitting like a lady.” I remember wearing dresses as a young girl, with my mom telling me to sit with my legs crossed–sometimes with my ankles, other times one knee over the other. It’s interesting how aware we are taught to be of our bodies in every moment as women. It’s also interesting that most of the time, we are taught to make our bodies smaller, and take up less space.
Your experience with your teacher telling you to “sit like a lady” brought back so many memories for me. It is absolutely disgusting that as young girls we are told that we need to sit in a certain way to avoid… I don’t even know. Rape? Unwanted attention? What is even the reason??? I remember times when I was wearing pants in my own house and my dad would tell me to sit like a lady. I don’t think I have ever had a woman tell me to sit like a lady, so what is it about sitting in a comfortable position that makes men so triggered?
Like the past two comments and you, I can relate to your personal experience. I remember many situations where my family members commented on how I was sitting. They would tell me, “close your legs” or “fix your posture.” It would always annoy me because I knew my family cared about others people’s opinions. Also, your post connects with how gender plays a role in the way we dress. If I didn’t wear a dress, tight shirt, or skirt, then I was not considered “feminine” enough. As a child, I hoped these comments would stop, and even now, as an adult, some of my family members still say something…I always wished they were placed in my shoes so that they understood how I felt. Anyways great job!
I can also relate to your personal experience. In middle school and high school, I refused to wear any kind of jeans, skirts, or dresses. The only times I would was when my mom would make me. Later in high school and throughout my first semester of college, I have tried to wear nicer clothes more often instead of my normal sweatpants and a sweatshirt and I have noticed that people treat you differently based on how nice or feminine you dress. On days where I wore jeans and a nice top, I noticed how more people would smile at me or make eye contact. It was a small change but still noticeable. I hate how it is more stereotyped that women are the ones that must dress nice or sit properly at all times and men are not forced to.
While I cannot relate personally to the comment that the after-school care advisor made to you, I have personally witnessed many similar events. What I have come to realize now is that many of these comments are made when we are very young (middle school) and our brains and personalities are malleable. To begin, common comments were that girls shouldn’t play specific sports with the boys during recess/break hours. Furthermore, boys were significantly more excused for poor behavior because “boys will be boys.” Girls were significantly more likely to be dress-coded when many boys walked around shirtless after PE, practices, etc.
Your reflection and experience as a cis-woman allowed me to reflect on my experiences with gender norms. One experience that comes to mind occurred on the 5th-grade basketball court. It was automatically assumed that since I was a girl and didn’t dress like a “tomboy,” I wouldn’t be good at basketball. I was finally allowed to play with the boys after telling them I would prove my abilities. I did indeed prove them. Looking back on this experience it’s interesting how gendered norms around clothing determined if a person had athletic capabilities (clothes associated with boys). In addition, I reflected on how I was put in a position to prove my capabilities because being a girl in society does not equate to being better than boys at certain tasks.
Ew, that story about your aftercare teacher is disgusting. I had something kinda similar happen, when I was in 5th grade, working on a class project. One of the boys in my class was dividing up roles and told me to “just sit there and look pretty.” I was so confused, because there was one part of me that went “omg he thinks I’m pretty,” quickly followed by “wait I’m smart too that’s not fair.” Gender norms suck and we should be allowed to express ourselves however we want to! Despite often dressing in a traditionally feminine way, unashamedly loving the color pink, and being a ballet dancer (which is very traditionally feminine), I don’t do these things do fit a norm, I do it because it’s how I want to express myself. Again, I am privileged in being able to express myself how I want to with little stress as a cisgender white woman. But from my perspective, gender norms are ridiculous and why can’t we all just be ourselves?
Being a cis-male, I can not relate as much as these other people can. However, growing up in a household with 3 sisters and the only boy, I noticed how much more my sisters had to do than me. It isn’t a good thing, I admit, and I wish I was taught how to do more, but my sisters essentially had to do all the chores, while I had to do the minimal work, and it’s sad that this “gendered world” still exists. I hope real soon that education systems recognize their students as just people, rather than a person who must fit into a “gender.”